Good things.

Malo had to give a talk in our new ward on Sunday. They didn't give him a topic, just told him to talk for 15 minutes or so. So the speaker before him talked about temples and their importance and how sacred they are. Then we sang "Families Can Be Together Forever," and my Aspen was sitting next to me, holding the hymnal in her lap, singing along with the rest of the congregation and it made me smile. My little baby Aspen - who really isn't that much of baby anymore, was so sweetly singing in her own little language about the eternal nature of families. :) Anyway, Malo gets up to give his talk and he starts of talking about temples and the sealing power and then he starts to talk about Aspen. For the next ten minutes he related some of our stuggles (thankfully not in great detail) with trying to have a family and the complete joy that we had when we found out we were chosen by Aspen's amazing birthmother to be parents. It was really very sweet and nice to hear how much Malo was touched and his faith was strengthened by the whole process. When he was done speaking, the bishop got up and thanked the speakers and said that looking out over the congregation, he could see the people that needed to hear this and were touched - and thanked Malo for speaking and for saying the words that he may not have known why he was inspired to say them. Now, I write this, not just to point out how much my Malo loves our daughter, but because it really has had me reflecting on my blessings. Specifically the blessings of finally being a mom.

Anyone who knows me, knows how badly I wanted to be a mom. Malo and I wanted a "honeymoon baby." We were 23 when we got married and we wanted to just get started right away with our family and have a perfect little life. Its one of those things that when you are growing up, you just think when you get married you have kids and a house and a couple dogs and all is peachy keen. So imagine our pain and heartache when continually we were disappointed. Without going into specifics, I can say that I have never felt more heartache and pain and complete loss than I did our first 5 years of marriage. I started to feel like I was worthless. I was so tired of going to doctor after doctor after doctor to figure out what was "wrong" with me. I told Malo I don't even know how many times that maybe he should find a wife whose body actually worked right, and he would just take me in his arms and tell me how much he loved me. And I'd feel better for a bit - until something would happen again and it all started over. I felt like less of a woman. I felt like a failure as a woman. I felt like I was bad or wasn't loved or trusted by my Heavenly Father. I knew in my head that these things were not true - I know Heavenly Father loves me, I know I wasn't being punished for anything - but I couldn't help the feelings I was having. All I wanted was to be a mom...and honestly I didn't even care if I was pregnant, I just wanted babies to hold and love and raise and worry about and cry over and get frustrated with and to teach right from wrong. I wanted Malo to be a dad. I wanted to see him fulfill that calling as a father - I always knew he would be a fantastic one (and I was right!!!).

So when I first got a brief email from Aspen's birthmother wanting to talk to us...I about fell over in my chair. We had almost been married 5 years when I had first contact with her and we'd been waiting on the "list" for nearly 3 years (we had to wait until we were married for two years to even be considered....I had that application filled out and ready to be turned in by our 2nd anniversary!). Anyway, at first I thought it must be some joke (it was April Fool's Day when I opened my inbox to find an email from a prospective birthmom) but I couldn't think of anyone I knew who would be so cruel. So I said a quick prayer and then I called her. I had never been so nervous in my life. I talked with this sweet young girl about her life and I felt so good - like I'd known her before. Anyway, she wanted to talk to Malo and do some praying and I assume talk to other people....and so I hung the phone and sat there staring into space for hours. I didn't want to get my hopes up...I'd suffered so much heartache and pain already for years...I didn't want to get my hopes up, but I couldn't help it. I sat down and I prayed and I prayed and for the first time, I really truly wanted to be in line with my Heavenly Father's will and I asked him not to bless ME, but to bless this young, pregnant girl. To bless her with clarity of thought and purpose so that SHE could find the right home for HER baby...the right parents for the precious spirit that SHE was bringing into the world. I wanted her to have comfort and peace in her decision; I wanted her to feel of Heavenly Father's great love for her and for her unborn daughter. I felt so at peace....and then I got excited. I quickly emailed Malo (he was in Afghanistan) and told him he needed to call her and then he needed to call me. And then I called my mom. I called my sister. I called a couple close friends. I cried with them as we all hoped that this was right. But I told everyone not to get their hopes up as I tried (unsuccessfully) not to get mine up.

A couple days went by and I wanted to call her every minute and see if she had made a decision. Malo called her and talked to her and he said he felt so close to her, like he had known her before, too. Malo felt like this was right, he thought we were going to be able to adopt a child! I was more reserved...more cautious. But anyway, I tried to think of some reason, any reason to call her. I finally had a reason, I don't even remember what it was and I called her. I was driving home from interpreting at Palmer High School in downtown Colorado Springs and she asked me if I was sitting down, and yeah, technically I was...and she told me that she had prayed about it and had a strong confirmation that we were the right ones. I was stunned, I was shocked, I was overcome with emotion. I started to cry. Then I started to bawl. Then I started to sob. I don't even know how I made it home, but somehow I did. I pulled into my driveway in a daze and I opened the door, came in my house and dropped to my knees on the kitchen floor (ouch!) and cried and cried and prayed and thanked my Heavenly Father for all of my struggles I'd experienced that led me up to this special day, this special moment. I sat there for I don't even know how long and cried until there were no tears left in my body. And then I reflected back to all of the tears that had been shed over the years...tears of sorrow and frustration and wondering "why?" and I knew that all of those tears were leading me up to this time, to prepare me for this special child that was coming into the world!!

Anyway, then I started making phone calls! I called anyone and everyone I could think of. I bawled on the phone with our caseworker and he didn't even know what I was saying! I emailed Malo and told him to call me as soon as he could....he called and we cried together and we rejoiced together. We were going to be parents! Finally! And then we realized we had like 2 1/2 months to prepare for a baby! And Malo was in Afghanistan! But who cares?!?!! I was FINALLY going to be a MOMMY! And Malo was going to be a DADDY! The next couple months were a whirlwind of preparation and stress and sheer joy as we waited for our precious baby to arrive. And as luck would have it, the birthmom lived close to our families so we could go out and stay with our families!

We were able to spend some time with Aspen's birthmom and her family and get to know them a little bit which was a great experience. We could feel how much she and her family loved this baby and how they wanted what was best for her. I know they love her and I am so grateful for that selfless love that they have that would allow us to be parents, that would allow this special baby to come into our home and create a family for us. She was an answer to countless prayers and pleadings. They day Aspen was born was a day I will always remember. I was able to catch her in a blanket and she was being born and Malo was there to cut her cord. I cried and I cried and I knew that this special spirit was meant to be our daughter. I knew right then that she was the reason for all of the years of waiting and wanting - it was all preparation for this perfect little baby that I held in my arms.

The next 8 months were the most joyous I could have imagined. Being a mom was by far the most exhausting and exilerating thing. This was a journal entry from July of 2007: Ahhhh.....the life of a mother can only be described for me as exhilerating exhaustion. Never in my life have I been so tired, yet so complete and happy. There is always that doubt in the back of your mind about maybe being disappointed when you've wanted something so badly for so long....Malo and I have wanted to be parents...and definitely trying....for almost 5 years now. I can honestly say we are not disappointed. Tired, yes, but so so happy. Aspen is such a blessing in our lives and in the short 3 weeks she has been on this earth, she has changed us for the better. I love my husband with all my heart and now we have this little girl and I love her with all my heart as well. I want her to have everything she could ever need, I want her to experience her life...experience the joys and the challenges...and to become a strong girl, and later a strong woman and mother who will raise our grandchildren to do the same. Every day this little blessing wakes me with a cry to tell me she is hungry or needs a diaper change or just some snuggle time...she is totally dependent on me to take care of her....and I am so happy to do it. I look at her little face and her fingers and toes and all her little baby parts and I marvel at how such a little one can bring such a big and welcome and awesome change. Motherhood fits me, motherhood has made me be more me. :-)"

When her adoption was finally final, I thought that was one of the best days of my life. And then came the day of her being sealed to us in the temple of the Lord, to be with us forever and ever and ever. I have never been more moved or more touched or felt more loved than I felt that day. I still have no words to describe the emotion and the love that was felt inside the temple as our Aspen was sealed to us...she was now officially and forever bound to us. And as if it could get any better than that - it could because I was pregnant with Mia at the time, so both of our girls were together in the temple with us at the same time as sisters - as family.

Now Aspen is 19 months old and our Mia is almost 7 months old and I sometimes just go in and peek on them at night and cry and thank my Heavenly Father for these two miracles in my life. Because that is exactly what both of them are - miracles. Blessing beyond measure. They are our daughters. They are our children. They are our greatest joy and greatest blessing. They make everything in life more meaningful. Even on days when I am completely overwhelmed with the somewhat daunting task of parenting two small children so close together in age, I can't wish or want for more. I am more blessed that I could ever imagine. And I am so grateful for my husband and for our babies. And if more babies should happen to come our way in the future, I know that they will be loved and appreciated just as much as our two little munchkins we have now. :)