just a bit of rambling

I haven't updated on this blog in such a long time, its almost a joke for me to even try to keep it up. But I am going to try. Not for anyone but me. I don't even know if anyone follows this anymore, which is ok, this post specifically is just for me to vent a little. Because I have been having a rough time. I've spent almost the last year worrying about my mom, and now that she is definitely on the road up, in the clear-ish, I realize how much focus on my own life and family I have lost. Mostly me. My kids are fine and always my number one priority. So I guess between mom and the kids, I have truly forgotten to take time for me. My Uncle Sam passed away a few weeks ago, lymphoma. Cancer again. Its te worst word in my vocabulary. He was like a father to me, he was an amazing man and a kind and funny person. While at his funeral, someone asked me what I've been doing for me, for fun, for ME, lately. I had nothing. Nothing at all. I laughed at his suggestion. Like I have time for ME. All of my energy is focused elsewhere. ALL of it. I give ALL I have to my family. Its truly ALL i have right now. But perhaps that is the problem. Maybe I would have MORE to give, MORE to give, if only I took some time for me every now and again. Don't get me wrong, I am not unhappy. I am just depleted. I love my family, I love my children more than I have words to say, and I would do anything for them. But maybe, just maybe, I could do MORE for them if I did more for me. Maybe my cup needs to be filled so that I can have MORE to give. By the end of every day, I am exhausted. I have given my all, every single day. But that means that I have nothing left for my husband, either. We put the kids down at 7 and by then, I am done. I am exhausted. I am tired. I have used all I have to teach, create, play, teach my children. And I am more than happy to do it. Its just by the end of the day, I can't do anything else.

I haven't been reading my scriptures as I should, I read with the kids and I teach them from the scriptures, but I haven't been studying them for ME. I am going to start. I haven't been to the temple since I was pregnant with Isaac. I am going to MAKE the time to go. I haven't been excercising consistently all fall and winter, which has led to weight gain and even less energy. I am going to get back into it. I haven't been on a date with my husband in forever. I am going to make time for that.

Where am I going to find the time for these 4 things that I know I need to do? First of all, I am going to pray for strength and energy and guidance. And then I am going to shut the stupid computer off in the evenings, when I waste time on facebook or pinterest. I am going to limit that time to 10min or so a day for awhile, until I can get back to where I need to be. I will use that time to study my scriptures, to take a nice bath, to relax (instead of mindless vegging and to spend some time actually talking to the man that I love. Talk that doesn't involve the "plan" for the next day, but actual talking. And listening. Because I haven't been listening to him, he is so busy and the times that he wants to talk, I have been busy cleaning up or too tired to pay attention to him. But I love him and its not showing very much love or respect to our love and our marriage if we don't make time for each other. So I am going to make sure we have at least one date a month. Just me and him, no kids. Though family time is so important, we need to have couple time. I know if should be weekly, but I am trying to be realistic here. I am making a goal of once a month. I will make sure it happens at least once a month. If more than that, GREAT! But once a month is the goal. And to attend the temple once a month is another thing that will happen. Whether by myself or with Malo, it WILL happen.

And the other thing...the exercise. I know that not working out really makes my energy levels drop. But when I am so tired, it is so hard to even think about exercising. But that is the only way I am going to get more, is to use more! So....daily. Today it will start. Daily. That doesn't mean I am going to run 400 miles a day, but I will do something at least 30min a day. And I will get up in the morning, before the kids do, and do it. Every day.

So hopefully if I make these 4 changes, hopefully that will help get me back to where I need to be. So that I can be a better wife and a better mom, a better daughter and sister, a better friend. I can't be there for others if I am not taking better care of me. So for all of those important relationships in my life that I am not doing enough for, for all of them, I will make sure to do my four goals here. :)